Yu-Gi-Oh! Bonds Beyond Time Abridged/Transcript
Bonds Beyond Time Abridged Movie Cast (In order of appearance): Yugi, Joey, Téa, Tristan, Crow, Jack, Yusei, Kalin, Jaden, Paradox, Akiza, Luna, Leo, Yubel, Professor Banner, Grandpa, Pegasus, Marik, Pharaoh, Yuma, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future, Seto Kaiba. Date: November 6, 2011 Running Time: 35:54 Episode Title: Bonds Beyond Time Abridged Movie Transcript Part 1 of 3 (Lucasfilm THX logo with Joey "Nyeh"-ing along with it) CAPTION: The Audience is from Brooklyn (Cut to parody of the intro of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters" cinematic, with Yu-Gi-Oh character animations by CrikeyDave instead of actual show footage.) (Parody starts off with the main cast, Yugi, Joey, Téa and Tristan dancing and singing in a theater similar to that of the "Let's All Go to the Lobby" cinematic short) YUGI, JOEY, TÉA, TRISTAN: (singing and dancing) ♪''It's a groovy time for a movie time.'' So grab your gal. And grab a seat. But don't forget to get something to eat. Delicious meat. A nutritious meat.♪ JOEY: (Not his normal voice, sounding like a American Southerner) You can't beat my meat for a special treat. TRISTAN: (Not his normal voice, sounding like an English playwright) Sucking on me is really neat! YUGI, JOEY, TÉA, TRISTAN: (still singing) ♪''Don't be a jerk, and don't be a fool.'' Be a good neighbor and follow these rules...♫ (music and dancing stops, followed by ambient guitar feedback noises, shows Yusei, Jack, Crow and Kalin, also known as ''Team Satisfaction, at the end of the hallway in front of the theater screen with instruments out, looking unamused at the main cast. After a while, the main cast's singing and dancing continues.) YUGI, JOEY, TÉA, TRISTAN: (''singing again) ♪''What are these rules?'' Remember to keep your shoes on at all times. Don't pull your penis out unless you really need to. Indecent exposure is a Class 2 felony...♫ (Music stops and is replaced by feedback again as Yusei walks up to Yugi and headbutts him, who gets knocked unconscious. Team Satisfaction begins to play a shortened version of the song Cut You Up With A Linoleum Knife by Mastodon immediately after.) YUSEI, JACK, CROW, KALIN: Don't talk! Watch! Don't talk! Watch! You came here! Watch it! Don't like it? Walk out! (Cut to the main cast backing up, with Yugi, who now has a black eye and a missing tooth, standing up with the rest of the main cast) TEAM SATISFACTION: WE STILL HAVE ALL YOUR F*CKING MONEY!! Do not nudge, kick, or jiggle the seat in front of you! I am sitting there! I am everywhere at once, and I will Cut you up! If you make out here 'I will cut your lips and tongue from your head with a'' LINOLEUM KNIFE! (Yugi and the rest of the main cast flee the theater) TEAM SATISFACTION:(singing wildly) Do not explain the plot! If you don't understand you should not be here! Your money is now our money And we will spend it on drugs! YUSEI: If I see you video-taping this movie Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid Dissolve your testicles and turn your guts into snakes! (Kalin growls) YUSEI: This is a copyrighted movie from Time Warner If I find you sold it on eBay I will break into your house and TEAR YOUR WIFE IN HALF!!! (Guitar solo from Jack, then music ends and Team Satisfaction jumps to an explosion in the background, then screen fades to black) (Movie starts with fanfare, and animations are replaced by scenes from the movie and anime. Cut to a pan starting from Yusei's eye to his entire face.) YUSEI: Jack. JACK (Constantly yelling): YUSEI! YUSEI: There's something you should know. JACK: WHAAAAAT IS IT, YUSEI? YUSEI: Card games on motorcycles. (Beat) JACK: WHAT? YUSEI: I said, card games on motorcycles. JACK: I BEG YOUR PARDON? YUSEI: I said, card games on motorcycles!! JACK: WHAT THE HELL IS A MOTORCYCLE? YUSEI: You're kidding, right? JACK: HEY, CROW! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A MOTORCYCLE IS? CROW: Can't say that I do, Jack. JACK: YEAH, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. YUSEI: But we ride them all the time. It's our trademark. JACK: WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? YUSEI: So that we can play card games on them. JACK: THAT SOUNDS STUPID. YUSEI: Jack, you're scaring me. JACK: COME ON, CROW, LET'S GO PLAY A CARD GAME, WHILE STANDING COMPLETELY STILL... (dramatic zoom with Jack's last three words) ON. THE. GROUND. YUSEI: (stereotypical dramatic slo-mo voice) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-''' (Yusei wakes up suddenly in his sleeping bag next to his motorcycle.) YUSEI: GAHUH! (pants) Oh, thank God! (Cut to Doctor Who-style opening, with title and cast, and a Yu-Gi-Oh trading card replacing the TARDIS) '''LITTLEKURIBOH THEAZURECROW SHADYVOX Yu-Gi-Oh! BONDS BEYOND TIME ABRIDGED (Cut to rap beat-timed zoom in on Earth, finally reaching Venice.) JADEN: Yeah! Ah! CAPTION: Venice, Italy: The Not Too Distant Future (Jaden is jumping everywhere around Venice while dodging fireballs) JADEN: I'm Batman! (explosion; Jaden jumps) Woah! (Rapping) Y'all gon' make me get my game on! Up in here! Up in here! Y'all gon' make me throw a face-down! Up in here! Up in here! (No longer rapping) Well it's a good thing I play a lot of Assassin's Creed! Huh? Okay, pal, you obviously don't know who I am. The name's Jaden Yuki! (zoom in on Jaden) And I'm absolutely flawless! (starts singing) ♪''Oh, how about a little help, Neos?♪ (''Neos deflects an attack; music stops) It's a good thing Venice is apparently empty, or that might have been kind of dangerous. PARADOX (a parody of Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory with Elmer Fudd's speech impediment): Pwotagonist! JADEN: No, it's Jaden. PARADOX: I am here for the one who destwoyed the future. JADEN: Look there must be some kind of mistake. I'm Jaden Yuki. PARADOX: Yes, that is wight. JADEN: But I'm harmless! I couldn't destroy anything! PARADOX: Cowwection! I think you will find you destwoyed Yu-Gi-Oh!'s cwedability. And now I am going to destwoy you with my Mawefic monsters! (Mandark laugh) Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! (Cut to Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds timeline) CAPTION: Neo Domino: The Way Too Distant Future (Yusei looks onto city) YUSEI: (sigh) It's times like this that I just like to stand here and enjoy the peaceful serenity of a beautiful spring morni- JACK: (from behind Yusei) YUUUUUUUUSEIIIIIIIIIII!! YUSEI: (deadpan) What. JACK: HI! YUSEI: (still deadpan) Hello, Jack. CROW: Hey Yusei, can you settle a bet? YUSEI: What bet? CROW: Is it gay to like the movie Top Gun? JACK: IT'S TOTALLY NOT! CROW: Shut-up Jack. Let Yusei decide. JACK: OKAY. YUSEI: Well- JACK: BUT IT'S NOT GAY. YUSEI: Well, obviously it's not. JACK: SEE? YUSEI: How could a movie where the male protagonists call each other cute nicknames, and play volleyball, and ride their phallic vehicles at extremely high speeds, be anything but straight? CROW: I dunno. Still seems kind of gay to me. JACK: NOW THAT THAT'S SETTLED, LET'S GO RIDE OUR MOTORCYCLES AND PLAY SOME HALF-NAKED VOLLEYBALL. YUSEI: You can be my wingman anytime, Jack. JACK: NO, YUSEI, YOU CAN BE MINE. (Cut to Yusei, Jack and Crow riding their motorcycles on an empty freeway) JACK: ([http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8rZWw9HE7o begins singing part of the song "Highway to the Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins horribly off-key and barely qualifying as singing]) ♪ DODODUDODO♪ HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE! YEAH! GONNA TAKE YOU RIDING...! (not attempting to sing anymore) OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO STRAIGHT, YOU GUYS! (American Bad Ass by Kid Rock starts) PARADOX: (appearing on a motorcycle behind them) Pwotagonist! YUSEI: Wait! Who's that? JACK: I DUNNO! BUT HIS HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL! OOOOH! YUSEI: Jack, look out! JACK: CROW, LOOK OUT! CROW: Wario, look out! WARIO: I'm-a gonna win! PARADOX: I have you now, Pwotagonist! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! (his motorcycle skids the highway) I don't know why I did that. Seems kind of dangerous, actually. JACK: YUSEI! SHOW HIM YOUR JUNK! YUSEI: What? JACK: WARRIOR! SHOW HIM YOUR JUNK WARRIOR! YUSEI: I've got a better idea. Come on out, Stardust Dragon! JACK: OKAY, NOW WHIP OUT YOUR JUNK AND WAVE IT AT HIM! YUSEI: What? JACK: WARRIOR!! (Opening part of The Final Showdown-Beelzeboss by Tenacious D plays.) PARADOX: And now, Pwotagonist, watch as I turn your favowite monster into a cwappy Phwee-Dee effect! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! (movie and music suddenly stops) MARTIN BILLANY'S VOICE: We at Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged would like to apologize for the lack of 3D content in this movie. (red "no *insert object name here*" symbol is shown in front of a pair of 3D glasses) However, we would like to think this is totally justified since 3D is bullsh*t and adds absolutely nothing to the cinema experience. (Paradox's Duel Runner is now shown) So please, enjoy your 2D movie, because it's cheaper and much less obnoxious. (movie continues, minus music) PARADOX: (leaving to the sounds of the TARDIS dematerializing) Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! YUSEI: I totally won that duel. (later, at a clock shop) JACK: YUSEI! THAT GUY STOLE YOUR STARDUST DRAGON CARD! WHAT A DICK! I KNOW I DID IT IN SEASON ONE, BUT...UH...I...UH...HE'S A DICK! CROW: Why did he even take your card in the first place? YUSEI: Probably to humiliate me in front of my girlfriend. AKIZA: Oh don't be silly, Yusei! You know I'd never be embarrassed- YUSEI: (cutting off Akiza) [[Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds One Shot Parody Special|''For the last time! I'm dating a motorcycle!]] AKIZA: But why date a motorcycle when you can have me? YUSEI: Tell her, Jack. JACK: GIRLS ARE SMELLY. YUSEI: He's right, they are. AKIZA: Well I think motorcycles are smelly! YUSEI: ''Get out. AKIZA: Bu- YUSEI: Get. Out. LUNA (A parody of Snarf from Thundercats): Lion-O! Check out what we found on the Internet. Snarf! Snarf! YUSEI: (reading what would seem to be a clichéd line from a Yusei/Jack yaoi fanfic) "And then Jack turned to Yusei and said 'Come over here and kick my engines into overdrive.'" LUNA: Here Snarf! The other page Lion-O! Snarf! Snarf! CROW: Hey, isn't that Pegasus the creator of Duel Monsters? Yeah, and next to him is Yugi Moto, the King of Card Games! YUSEI: What the hell is wrong with his hair? JACK: YUGI MUTO? HE WAS THE GREATEST DUELIST WHO EVER LIVED! YUSEI: It says here that he died a virgin and his last words were "Oh God, I've wasted my life". JACK: THE GREATEST DUELIST WHO EVER LIVED. I LOVE HIM. CROW: It also says that dragons appeared and destroyed most of Europe ten years ago...What? YUSEI: Wait. Look! It's him! JACK: YOU FOUND WALDO? YUSEI: It's the guy who stole my card! JACK: WALDO STOLE YOUR CARD?! YUSEI: Jack. JACK: YUSEI! YUSEI: No. JACK: 'KAY! CROW: There's only one explanation for this. He must have traveled through time to steal Yusei's card so he could go back to the past and wreak havoc on the world. JACK: WOW, CROW! HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT? CROW: It's all right here in his Wikipedia article. YUSEI: Well, if it's on the Internet, it must be true. AKIZA: Look! Outside! (black soot can be seen falling from the sky outside from the window as Marik and Bakura's Theme plays) JACK: YAY! IT'S SNOWING! NO SCHOOL FOR US TODAY! YUSEI: I don't think that's snow, Jack. (cut to everyone going outside, where boulders and other objects are falling around people) YUSEI: The world seems to be disintegrating around us. (A rock falls on a man, making a *squish*) JACK: I'M GOING TO BUILD A SNOWMAN! (The sign of the Crimson Dragon appears on Yusei's back.) AKIZA: Hey! I have a tramp stamp just like that. YUSEI: Strange...I can feel the Crimson Dragon calling to me. ("The Never Ending Story" theme song plays in the background) CRIMSON DRAGON (A parody of Falkor from The Neverending Story): Atreyuuuuu! YUSEI: What is it, Crimson Dragon? CRIMSON DRAGON: You must follow me into the past. YUSEI: Wait, since when could you travel through time? CRIMSON DRAGON: Since like, forever. Kind of a big deal. YUSEI: In that case, can you take me back in time to see my parents? CRIMSON DRAGON: Nooooo. That would be a lame use of my powers. Remember, once you hit eighty-eight miles per hour- YUSEI: I'm going to see some serious sh*t? CRIMSON DRAGON: Nooooo. You'll be violating the speed limit. So do try to drive slower than that. (TARDIS materialization noise plays) YUSEI: I must drive to the past to save the future and my friends. JACK: BYE, YUSEI! DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW! IT'S PEEEEEEEEEEE! (song stops) (Cut to GX timeline, with Jaden and Paradox, and Ominous Latin Chanting in the background) PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Any last words before I destwoy you and take your wawest monster, Mr. Pwotagonist? JADEN: I keep telling you, my name is Jaden! PARADOX: Mawefic Stardust Dwagon, show him the twue power of Pawadox! (Jaden gets hit by Malefic Stardust Dragon's powerful blast) JADEN: Okay! That tears it! Venice SUUUUCKS! (he falls over) Next year I'm vacationing in Germany! Nothing bad ever happens there! PARADOX: Stardust, here is your chance for an all-out attack. JADEN: (childlike voice) Mother. (Neverending Story music starts up again) CRIMSON DRAGON: (appearing out of nowhere) Atreyuuuuu! YUSEI: (on his motorcycle) Paradox. PARADOX: Pwotagonist? YUSEI: I came- PARADOX: What? YUSEI: -to the past. PARADOX: Oh. YUSEI: But I also had an orgasm. PARADOX: Ewww! JADEN: Ha! Nice! PARADOX: But how? How did you follow me back in time? (song dies) YUSEI: I don't know. JADEN: Dang, son, that is one awesome motorbike you're- YUSEI: You're not riding it. JADEN: Worth a shot. PARADOX: Now I'm going to leave this time-line... for no weason! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! (Paradox disappears with his Duel Runner) YUSEI: I totally won that duel. JADEN: We weren't even dueling. YUSEI: Duh! Because I won! Part 2 of 3 (Still in Venice) YUSEI: My God. The city has been absolutely devastated. JADEN: Yeah! And he took my Elemental Hero Neos trading card. YUSEI: This guy has got to pay! For the people of Venice! And my friends. JADEN: And my favorite trading card. YUSEI: (to Jaden) Who the hell are you and what's wrong with your hair? JADEN: My name's Jaden Yuki, and I'm absolutely flawless! GEORGE MICHAEL'S VOICE: Absolutely flawless... YUSEI: Stop being happy. JADEN: Ain't nobody in the world as fly as me! YUSEI: I'm serious. Stop it. JADEN: Bitches just line up to get a glimpse of my sweet moves. YUSEI: I'm going to tear the happy right out of your soul. JADEN: Come on, homie! Don't be a playa hater! YUSEI: I'm not a player hater. I just hate you. JADEN: So what's your name? YUSEI: Yusei Fudo. I come from a post apocalyptic world where people struggle to survive. I grew up on the streets an orphan. Alone, if it weren't for my friends. I have nothing except my bike and my deck. JADEN: (being completely oblivious) Sounds pretty tight, dawg. Me? I come from a kick-ass school that teaches how to play card games. We sleep on warm, comfortable beds and get served food whenever we want. (pleasant sigh) It's a good life. YUSEI: Well, just look at all the f**ks I give. JADEN: So, you're from the future? YUSEI: Yes. You probably have a lot of questions for me but I can't tell you anything. If I were to tell you about the future it would be...dangerous. JADEN: Dangerous? Why? YUSEI: Life as we know it would cease to exist. We'd be cast into a world where time and space have no meaning. In short, I can't give you any spoilers. JADEN: I have a question! YUSEI: I told you, I can't tell you anything. JADEN: This isn't a spoiler. YUSEI: Okay. JADEN: (like a child) Can I ride your bike? YUSEI: I already told you, no. JADEN: Oh come on! It'll be fun! YUSEI: I'll let you ride my bike, if you can tell me one thing. JADEN: Sure. Ask away. YUSEI: Why are we in Venice? JADEN: ...F*ck it! You win. YUSEI: Always do. YUBEL: (appearing as a ghost) Jaden! This man called your mother fat. I farted on him. He doesn't know it yet. BANNER: (Also a ghost) Hello! I am extremely Asian! JADEN: (whispers) Yusei. YUSEI: What? JADEN: (whispers) I see dead people. YUSEI: I'm going to begin shunning you for the rest of the movie. Now make yourself useful and open the Internet. JADEN: I think you'll find that everything on the Internet is completely- Oh my God! YUSEI: Is that woman doing what I think she's doing? JADEN: I forgot I bookmarked "2 Dark Magician Girls 1 Pot of Greed". I'll just go to www.plotconvenience.com and- Oh my God! It says our shows never existed! But that would mean- (buildings start collapsing) JADEN: We have to get out of here. If only we had a motorbike- YUSEI: You're not riding my damn bike. CAPTION: Domino City: Present Day (Fireworks above the city square) GRANDPA: Ah! What's going on? Are we being bombed? Is America invading us again? I knew it was only a matter of time! YUGI: Calm down, Grandpa. It's just the fireworks. GRANDPA: (offscreen) Yugi! Fetch me my gun! (on a stage) MALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome everyone, to the grand unveiling of a bunch of lame new trading cards. Here to introduce our host, Piiiirate Hitler! PIRATE HITLER: (speaking rapidly) I shall send ze Jews straight to Davy Jones' locker! Heil Blackbeard! YUGI: I love Pirate Hitler. He always makes me laugh. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: And now, without further ado, Ladies and gentlemen, Maximillion Peeeeegasus! (Pegasus lands in a helicopter while music starts playing) PEGASUS: (singing) ♪Welcome, all you foolish nerds...! To the gayest spectacle in the world...! I'm making a cameo in this movie...! I'm much more fabulous in 3D!♫ (laughs) YUGI: Oh hey, Grandpa, it's that guy who kidnapped your soul and then tried to kill me. But now he's our friend. PARADOX: (watches from above) Well well well. If it isn't my old friend, Pwotagonists. (Cut to a clock reading twelve o'clock noon) YUGI: Hm. I wonder what time it is. (a shadow appears) Huh? (dragons appear in the skies) GRANDPA: Oh! The Americans are invading us with dragons! Just like back in 1945. YUGI: We have to get to safety. Grandpa, follow me! GRANDPA: Whee! (runs off) YUGI: Wait, Grandpa! Where are you going? GRANDPA: Death to America! (Face-up Face-down plays) PEGASUS: Wait! Come back! You can buy my song on CD! Oh that building doesn't look to safe- Oh nooooo! (black screen) Oh, looks like I'm face-down. Just a typical Friday night for Maximillion Pegasus. (laughs) I'm dead. (sad music plays as scene changes to Yugi as the only apparant survivor of the buildings collapsing) YUGI: (groans) Huh? What the hell happened? Grandpa? Grandpa? (gasp) No! It finally happened. He finally went to that great big basement in the sky. It's so ironic. He always loved falling buildings, but only when they were falling on other people. (sobs) Grandpa! (echoes) Can I have my Oscar now? PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Once again, Pwotagonist, you see there is nothing you possess that I cannot take- YUGI: Hey f**k you man! I'm trying to win an Oscar here. (Neverending Story theme plays again) CRIMSON DRAGON: Atreyuuuuu! I am here to comfort you in your griiiiief. YUGI: Well at least I retained my dignity. Woah! JADEN: Woah! I thought you said you weren't going to let me ride it. YUSEI: Everybody gets one. YUGI: God! My head hasn't hurt this bad since I watched the Naruto Abridged Movie. JADEN: Hey man. You okay? YUSEI: Yeah. And what's wrong with your hair? YUGI: Who are you people? YUSEI: We're from the future. I'm Yusei Fudo. I'm the serious one with a voice that makes the fangirls swoon. JADEN: And I'm Jaden Yuki! The cute, hyperactive one that people want to choke in his sleep! YUGI: I'm Yugi Muto. And I'' was playing card games before it was cool. Wait a minute. If you guys are from the future then tell me, will I ever get laid? JADEN: Well actually, now that you mention it- YUSEI: Jaden, no! We can't tell him anything. If we do, the fabric of space and time could- YUGI: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Look, are you guys going to give me spoilers or not? YUSEI: No! YUGI: Oh come on! At least tell me if I beat Jaden in the final episode of GX. YUSEI: Well, ''duh. JADEN: Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah! What? YUSEI: It's not a spoiler if it's obvious. JADEN: Check it out, dawgs, my Neos card came back! It must be because we came back in time. YUSEI: That is not how time travel works. JADEN: Well how else do you explain it? YUSEI: Obviously this movie had its head up its own anus. YUGI: Well that answers pretty much every question I had. YUSEI: We've come back to the past to save the world from the evil known as Paradox. YUGI: What does he want? YUSEI: We don't know, but he seems to be trying to turn our rarest cards into darker more corrupted monsters. JADEN: Yeah! And for some reason he hates Venice. YUGI: That bastard! I can't forgive him. Not after he sent my grandpa to the Shadow Realm. YUSEI: The what realm? YUGI: You know. The Shadow Realm. The big purpley cloudy place that you go to when something really bad happens to you. JADEN: I think you're talking about Hell. YUGI: No, it's the Shadow Realm. You know whenever people fall from a really tall building...or...they get stabbed in the chest. They go straight to the Shadow Realm. What? You guys don't have the Shadow Realm in the future? YUSEI: I don't think that's a real thing. YUGI: So wait. Is my Grandpa... really dead? JADEN: 'Fraid so, Bro-seph. YUGI: I thought this was supposed to be a kids' movie! YUSEI: Yugi. We can't defeat Paradox alone. Well, I mean I probably can, but Jaden definitely can't. JADEN: That's cold, dawg! (Ending part of the first series' theme song from the Yu-Gi-Oh English dub plays) YUSEI: Yugi Muto. Will you do us the honor of joining us in our quest? YUGI: You bet I'm in. Nobody f*cks with my favorite trading card game and gets away with it. YUSEI: Then our threesome is complete. JADEN: Aww, yeah! Looks like we chilling with the King of Games, byatches! This s**t be'' balling'.'' YUGI: What? YUSEI: He said he's happy to have you on board. (Music ends) YUGI: Oh. It looks like the Crimson Dragon has taken us back to before Pegasus was killed. Now all we need to do is create a distraction. (Marik 1 soft plays) MARIK: (on stage) Greeting, fools, it is I! Marik Ishtar! And I am here to enslave all of you with my- (gets blown up by a fireball) Ah! YUGI: Nice shot, Jaden. YUSEI: Yeah. Way to endanger innocent lives. JADEN: Don't thank me. Thank Yubel! YUSEI: Who's Yubel? JADEN: The demon who lives inside my head. YUSEI: (deadpan) Wonderful. PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! We meet again, Pwotagonists. YUSEI: Alright Paradox it's time you showed us who you really are. Take off that damn mask! (dramatic music as Paradox removes his mask) YUGI: Oh my God, it's him! YUSEI: I can't beleive it! JADEN: Damn! I totally didn't see that coming! YUGI: ...Okay, so does anybody actually know this guy? YUSEI: Nope. JADEN: Never met him. PARADOX: Of course you don't know who I am. I'm fwom the future. YUSEI: So why were you wearing a mask? PARADOX: What? Yusei: You had a mask on. Paradox: No I did not. Yusei: Yes you did. Paradox: Did not. Yusei: You completely, totally did! Paradox: Look it makes my chawacter design wook intewesting. What do you want fwom me? YUGI: (not noticing the huge clock in the middle of the square) For the love of God does anyone know what time it is? (Europe's The Final Countdown plays) Paradox: I know exactly what time it is. It is time to dododo. Dododododo. Dododo. Dododododuel. Yusei: Let's do this guys! For our friends! Jaden: And Venice! Yusei: Yes! And for Venice! YUGI: And my Grandpa. Yusei: Yes! And for your dead Grandpa! But mostly for our friends! Jaden: (eyes change colors) Ah! Desu desu bitches! Yusei: (Signer mark appears) Alright, you time traveling screwhead, listen up! This is my signer mark! YAMI YUGI: Hey Yugi. (whispers) YUGI: Pharaoh! That's dirty! YUGI AND YAMI YUGI: Super special awesome ultra special super sexy transformation sequence! In 3D! YAMI YUGI: We're back, baby! YAMI YUGI, JADEN, Yusei: Duel! Banner: Good luck everyone. I will be up here if you need an Asian guy. I'm Asian. Part 3 of 3 (Marik and Bakura's theme plays) PARADOX: Very well, Yu-Gi-Oh Pwotagonists! Let's see how you like things, in the Mawific World. JADEN: Actually, this isn't so bad! Yusei: Yeah. It's actually kind of pretty here. Yami Yugi: Makes a nice change from the Shadow Realm, that's for sure. PARADOX: Stop that! It is suppose to be thweatening! Yami Yugi: Look at all the pretty lights! PARADOX: Stop being impwessed by the Mawific World! Yusei: Paradox! You've got some explaining to do! JADEN: Yeah! Like why the hell were you in Venice? Yusei: Look. This isn't important. JADEN: I disagree- Yusei: Shut up. Paradox, why are you trying to destroy the world? PARADOX: You stupid pwotagonist. I am not trying to destwoy the world, I am twying to save it. Yusei: -Not if we can stop you. Wait what? PARADOX: In the future, the world as we know it has been destroyed. Humanity's ignorance has caused the planet to become... wavaged and wifeless. Yami Yugi: Wavaged and wifeless? JADEN: But how? Was it Global Warming? Yusei: Nuclear war? PARADOX: No, none of those things happened. What destwoyed the world was... Caaaarrrrd Gaaaames... Yusei: What? PARADOX: That is wight, Caaaarrrrd Gaaaames... Yusei: You're serious? PARADOX: Yes, vewwwwwwy Yusei: How? PARADOX: What? Yusei: How did card games destroy the world? PARADOX: Well, I was not actually there. But I heard that somebody pwayed a card game. And then boom! End of the world. It totally happened. Just like I said. Just card game--Boom! Evewyone dead. JADEN: Okay. But how does stealing cards and killing people make everything better? PARADOX: Look, I planned this. Jaden: So explain it! Yusei: Yeah! Explain your great plan! PARADOX: All I had to do... was invent time twavel. Then go back in time. And kill Pegasus. And then the future would be better. That's it. Yami Yugi: You also killed Yugi's Grandpa. PARADOX: Yeah, and Yugi's Grandpa. I totally meant to do that too. My plan is great. Yusei: Also a lot of innocent people died. PARADOX: Yes there was a little cowwateral damage. Probably not important. My plan is great. JADEN: Then why are you riding around on a motorcycle wearing an evil mask stealing people's cards and laughing like a maniac? Does that sound like a hero? PARADOX: Well when you put it like that not weally. But uh... Jaden: Then what the hell man?! What the actual hell?! PARADOX: Listen! Either I destwoy the card game or the world itself is destwoyed. It is as simple as that. Yami Yugi: Hm. The entire world or card games. Tough choice. Yusei: There is no choice. Without card games, this world isn't worth living in. Yami Yugi: You're right Yusei. You always were my favorite protagonist. Yusei: Right back at you, Yugi. It feels so good to know you'll be playing with me. (George Michael's Careless Whisper plays) No homo! Yami Yugi: Uh. Yes! No homo indeed. PARADOX: Pwotagonists! I challenge you to a card game! Yusei: You mean the thing that's going to destroy the world? PARADOX: Yes! That. Yusei: Seems kind of hypocritical. Yami Yugi: Yes and how is this even going to work? There's three of us against one of you. PARADOX: It is simple. First Yusei goes, then I go, then Jaden goes, then I go- Yami Yugi: Wait. PARADOX: -then Yugi goes and then I go. Sounds fair wight? Yami Yugi: You've got to be kidding! That means we each get one turn per round and you get like, uh a gajillion! PARADOX: I'm glad you understand. Yami Yugi: Oh come on. But nobody in their right mind would agree something like that- JADEN: You're on, Paradox! We're going to take you down! Yami Yugi: Oh God no. Yusei: Jaden. Jaden: Wassup? Yusei: If we survive this, I'm going to go back in time and I'm going to slap myself in the face for bringing you on this adventure. Yami Yugi: Can I come? Yusei: You can ride with me anytime Yugi. (Careless Whisper plays) No homo! Yami Yugi: Yes! I was just about to say... uh... no homo. PARADOX: I summon the Mawefic Cyber End Dwagon! Yami Yugi: Now Yusei. I should point out that this card game... is not going to take place on a motorcycle. I hope you understand that. I don't want you like trying to ride your duel disk or something. We're just going to stand with our feet planted firmly on the ground- Yusei: I know how to duel! Yami Yugi: Well okay then. Yusei: I Synchro Summon Junk Gardna in Defense Mode. Yami Yugi: Synchro what? Yusei: Synchro Summon. Yami Yugi: What summon? Yusei: Synchro Summon. Yami Yugi: What what? Yusei: Synchro Summon. Yami Yugi: Oh! What's that? Yusei: It's where you play a monst- Yami Yugi: Wait. I seem to have stopped caring. PARADOX: That was a nice Synchwo Summon, Yusei. Yami Yugi: Synchro what? PARADOX: But I'm afwaid not nice enough. Now I summon my Mawefic Wainbow Dwagon! Jaden: Hey! No fair Paradox! That's my best friend's card! Yusei: Seriously? You have friends? Jaden: Yes! Yami Yugi: You mean ones that aren't invisible? Jaden: Oh. Right. Look who's talking. Banner: You tell him, Jaden. I'm still very Asian by the way. Jaden: Freestyle time! Yusei: Oh please tell me he's not going to rap. Jaden: (rapping) Paradox, man, I just want to let you know, Ain't no way you're gonna take away our card game, Yu-Gi-Oh! I'm gonna use a Spell Card to bring out my man Neos. Looks like your Cyber End Dragon is about to be toast. What's that? Come again? I got a second move. Looks like Jaden effin' Yuki's got lot to prove. Take down his Rainbow Dragon before he start mourn 'im I'm gonna lay these cards down right in the Trap Zone. Yami Yugi: Good job, Jaden! Way to get your lame on! Jaden: Actually, it's "get your game on"- Yami Yugi: I know what it is. PARADOX: Mawefic Pawadox Dwagon! Come forth! Yami Yugi: Holy Ra! I've seen a lot of dragons in my time but that one takes the cake! Jaden: And he probably ate it too! Yami Yugi: Shut up Jaden! You're not funny. So stand back ya'll 'cause it's time for a real main character to take the field. PARADOX: Oh pwease! You may be the King of Games in your timeline but where I come from Duel Monsters have evolve far beyond your understanding. Compared to me you are just a learner. Yami Yugi: That may be the case in your timeline, Paradox. But then we're not in your timeline, are we? PARADOX: Um- Yami Yugi: And where I come from Duel Monsters is still a broken exploitable mess of a game. And I'm about to exploit the Hell out of it. (Magical Trevor plays) I summon the Dark Magician and Dark Magician with boobies. Dark Magician Girl: Hey, Dark Magician. How come we can talk in this movie? Dark Magician: A wizard did it. Yami Yugi: Dark Magician and Dark Magician with big boobies, use Dark Magic Twin Burst to destroy Malefic Paradox Dragon! Jaden: Hah yeah! Pimp slap like a mofo! Banner: I am so happy to be Asian today, you guys! Yami Yugi: I believe the appropriate phrase is a-booyah. Yusei: Let's see you recover from that, Paradox! PARADOX: I will do more than that, Pwotagonists! Watch as I summon my Mawefic Twuth Dwagon! Yahaha! Ahahahaha! Banner: I've never felt so Asian! (Pegasus is riding a helicopter through a storm, Spice Girls playing in the background) PILOT: Mr. Pegasus. We appear to be flying right into a storm. PEGASUS: Well why don't you just turn around then? PILOT: I'm afraid I never finished my helicopter pilot training. I only know how to fly forwards. PEGASUS: Well then, at least have the decency to turn the music up. (Back at the duel) JADEN: Ah s**t dawg! I've seen a lot of dragons in my time, but that behemoth definitely takes the cake. Yusei: And probably ate it too. Yami Yugi: (laughs) A dragon. Eating a cake! Yusei, you're so funny. Jaden: Oh come on! That's the same joke I used from before. Yami Yugi: Yes, but Yusei told it better. PARADOX: Oh, I wish my gweat-gweat gwandfather Dartz was here to see me do this. He would be so pwoud of me. Yami Yugi: Gentlemen. If we don't make it through this I want you do know it's been an honor playing card games with you. Even you Jaden. Jaden: Ballin'! Yusei: You can be my wingman anytime Yugi. Yami Yugi: No Yusei, you can be mine. (Careless Whisper plays) Yusei: No homo right? Yami Yugi: All of the homo! PARADOX: Mawefic Twuth Dwagon, lay waste to their monsters and change the future! (The shared life points by Yugi, Yusei, and Jaden drop to 500) I am wictowious! Yusei: (singing) There's just no way that we can win. His cards are epic beasts. He duels too well because he's from another time. Yami Yugi: Listen, both of you! (singing) He's gonna to rewrite history. He's gonna to wipe out our card games. Jaden: Never! Yami Yugi: Unless we break his massive monster into pieces. Jaden: Homies. (singing) We've been through so much stuff. Yusei: I had to hear Jaden rapping. Yami Yugi: That was rough. Yami Yugi, Jaden, and Yusei: Now it's time to take this sucker dow-ow-own. Jaden: Come on, guys, now it's time to blow doors down. Yusei: I hear you, Jaden, now it's time to blow doors down. Jaden: So make your move cuz' I'm throwing a face-down. Yami Yugi: Okay, just make sure you don't summon a gay clown. Yami Yugi, Jaden, and Yusei: Now we've got to take this sucker down. Yami Yugi: My hairy balls will make sure he won't take us down. Kuriboh: Dodolalalalalalalala. PARADOX:(singing) No this can't be happening, how do I get them down? Jaden: We're going to beat ya! Oh Paradox! No doubt about it! Our card game rocks! Yusei: As far as villains go. In anime. I hate to tell you. You're just cliché. Yami Yugi: That's right you messed with. The wrong show. We're not just anyone. We're Yu-Gi-Oh! Yami Yugi, Jaden, and Yusei: We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! PARADOX: No no no! No no no no no! No no no! No no no no noooooooooooooooooo! (Paradox's life points go down to zero.) Yami Yugi: Huh. I think we may have just killed a man. Yusei: If anyone asks, Jaden did it. Jaden: (laughs) yeah! Wait, what? Yami Yugi: (narrating) Meanwhile, thousands of miles away... Pegasus: Ooh! So many restraining orders just waiting to happen. Yusei: We defeated Paradox. But at what cost? Jaden: At least we still have card games. Yami Yugi: Who knows whether we made the right choice. However, the most important thing is that I totally won that duel. Jaden: What? Ya-Hey! No. I won the duel. Yami Yugi: I think you'll find it was me. Jaden: Was not! Yusei: You're both wrong. Yami Yugi: If I were wrong I would be saying you won the duel but I'm not because I did. Yusei: It doesn't matter who won. The important thing is, we can keep on winning as friends. Jaden: That's right. Even though we may never see each other again, we'll always be in each other's hearts. Yami Yugi: And I totally won that duel. Yusei: We all won the duel. Yami Yugi: Nope. Me. I did it. Yusei: Enough! All that matters is we managed to get through all this without disrupting the space time continuum. Jaden: Yeah! Even though I nearly told Yugi that the Pharaoh dies at the end of his series. Yami Yugi: What's that now? (in subspace) Well. This is just fan-tucking-fastic. Now we're stuck in subspace. Way to go Jaden. Jaden: It's not my fault! I thought spoilers were okay. It's been like, ten years! Yusei: This really could not get much worse. Yuma: Hey guys! This subspace thing is pretty extreme huh! Talk about pop-flyin'! Get set to get decked motherf**kers. Yeah! Yusei: What's wrong with his hair? (Stronger plays while Jaden sings to it. The following credits appear:) & Directed by LittleKuriboh as Jaden Yuki as Yugi Moto Starriing Kirbopher as Crow Hogan & Yuma Tsukumo as Himself as Aki Izayoi Flannigan as Yubel as Announcer #1 Flannigan as Announcer #2 else was probaly voiced by LittleKuriboh Juicey Flannigan Sequence Art by The Amazing Rinbo Mixed by ShadyVox Um... ran out of people to credit... guess I'll just start thanking everyone Thanks to TeamFourStar The cast of Wha-Chow Juicey Flannigan Thanks to The Rower All my Cheerleader Squids Konami Kazuki Takahashi Thanks to azurada3 Sephrex Sehanort wraith10 Thanks to PlayTheDamnCard All Yu-Gi-Oh Fans Everywhere But especially ... you! Um... are some long ass credits music, though. hey, I actually do know how synchro-summoning works! you have a [[tuner monster], and then...] ... seem to have stopped caring. sure Juicey Flannigan would be able to explain it. Flannigan's totally a real person, by the way. even have a Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/SaintFlannigan do you like that, TeamFourStar? guys got Kyle Hebert? got Juicey Flannigan. in your court, guys. Juicey. Flannigan. no substitutes. you know what? should probably thank my family too. you guys. anyway, back to Juicey Flannigan... still there? Huh. I have an idea. watch the movie again. this tune, we'll do the official BBT Abridged Drinking Game! time there's a plot hole, take a drink. luck. :) fine. the real drinking game. time Yusei slips into a Canadian accent, take a drink. Check out 30:58. "Withoot" love bloopers. eh? games on mooses! seriously, do you guys have any liquor? been editing this thing for three months. time to celebrate. party! guest of honor at my party? Flannigan. CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST FROM THE FUTURE: And that is the story of how Jaden, Yugi and Yusei saved the world. KAIBA: So why wasn't I in the movie? CYBERNETIC GHOST: What movie? KAIBA: The one you just described to me. CYBERNETIC GHOST: Oh. Right. Um. You were not in the movie because you were never born. KAIBA: Yeah. Because I'm a robot right? CYBERNETIC GHOST: No. As it turns out, you do have a father. And it's me! KAIBA: Yeah. You're full of crap. CYBERNETIC GHOST: I love you too, son. References * Paradox's laugh is the same as Mandark's from "Dexter's Laboratory" * When Jaden Yuki says he sees dead people; this refers to the movie The Sixth Sense * When Jaden pulls up the internet, he was watching "2 Dark Magician Girls, 1 Pot of Greed"; this refers to the shock video "Two Girls One Cup". * When Solomon Muto says "the Americans are attacking with us with Dragons again", he is referring to the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in World War II. * Paradox's background music in his first appearances in part 1 and 2 is music from "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm". * The song they sing while killing Paradox is a Parody of Tenacious D's song "Beelzeboss" * When the Crimson Dragon calls out to Yusei he calls "Atreyu", this is a refrence to The Neverending Story, making the Crimson Dragon himself "Falkor" and Yusei "Atreyu". Category:Abridged Transcripts